Recipe For Disaster…

This holiday season I’m trying to focus more on LOSING weight rather than gaining the 30 pounds I seem to gain during that time of year.  It helps when my attempt at cooking pumpkin bread was a disaster.  (I did the toothpick test and it passed.  So why when I cut into it was half of it raw?) So that took that temptation away.

I bought this DVD to help keep off the pounds.

I plan to get my butt kicked for every single minute of it. 

The problem is, is that it’s nearing the holidays.  And they had these…

And I just can’t say no to these.  Plus I like to be ironic and what is more ironic than buying a workout DVD and a high calorie/high fat chocolate candy at the same time?  To be honest I don’t know if that is ACTUALLY irony but it sounds good.

I know these two don’t care what size I am…well, the brown one judges a little bit but the black one? We’re kindred spirits.  Food makes us content. And it shows.  

 

 

Could there possibly be a cuter turtle? 

Doppleganger…

How many of you been told you look like someone famous? 

I used to be told I look like Jennifer Aniston when my face was a little skinnier and I had long blondish hair.  I think it’s my chin/jaw-line.  It’s quite prominent.  I love Jennifer Aniston and totally took it as a compliment.  Although I was never told, “You could be Jennifer Aniston’s body double!” That’s what I REALLY would have loved to hear.  Oh well… 

(By the way, I know that picture has no resemblance to Jennifer Aniston, except of course the arms! I’m coming to find out I don’t take enough pictures of myself so this is the result of that!)

Now, I’m getting a new one. 

It hasn’t been overwhelming or anything (although my husband is sick of me talking about it) because she’s not extremely famous. 

It all started with a text from my husband’s cousin. Is there such thing as a cousin-in-law?  The text said, “You didn’t tell me your wife was in Paranormal Activity.” 

I looked up a picture of the girl (Katie Featherston is her name) and thought there was a slight resemblance.  When I watched a trailer of the movie I did notice she had a little bit of a double-chin, no offense to her of course. Now THAT I recognize!

Then when we visited Kansas City this guy who worked at Wendy’s came out and told me I looked just like her and that everyone who worked there thought I did.  

I don’t know what to say to people when they say stuff.  Thank you?  Is that a compliment?  Ok?  It’s always a bit awkward.

I’ll let you all be the judge.  I don’t think I look like any of her “real-life” pictures but to me there is a small resemblance to her in the film.

Her in the movie

This is the closest I could come to a picture like the one above:

Yeah that’s not close at all…

Her in “real life.”

These pictures really aren’t that great of a representation. If I were a true blogger I’d re-enact them…

Here’s a couple of Lassie dopplegangers!

I Am Guilty Of…

• Not changing my razorhead as much as I should. As in I am actually shocked that it still shaves hair off my leg.  More than likely I’m spreading disgusting diseases onto my body but if I can get a razor to last me six months then I’m golden.  Same rule applies with contacts.
• Showering only when I have to.  And I only wash my hair 2 to 3 times a week.  If I haven’t sweat during the day then there’s no way I’m wasting my time showering.
• Secret eating.  Occassionally when my husband’s gone or in another room I’ll sneak into the kitchen and eat something I know I shouldn’t be.  I know it doesn’t effect him in any way, so I don’t have any clue as to why I hide it from him.  It’s GUILT.
• Caring too much what other people think.  This is how sad I am–I care what other drivers think of my driving.  I don’t know these people and more than likely I’ll never drive near them again in my life. 
• Never washing my pants.  I’m super paranoid that the minute they’re washed they will never fit the same again.  Funny thing is, is that none of my pants even fit that well!
• Talking to my dogs like they are people.  I’m sorry Cesar Millan–I can’t help it! I know it makes them not take me seriously as the pack leader but I feel like they actually know what I’m saying! 
• Dressing my dogs up like ballerinas for Halloween! Thanks to my friend Amy (who is amazing at EVERYTHING she does–except combing hair–see her blog for that story!) they had custom made tutus!

I’m sorry, if this is wrong then I don’t want to be right.  I have a feeling anytime I’m feeling blue these tutus will be making an appearance.

The Reason No One Is Getting Christmas Gifts This Year…

I’ve been a little busy this past week. 

I’ve been playing vet tech to both dogs.  I have officially decided that my two dogs are higher maintenance than an infant would be. 

Let’s take a look at what we’re dealing with here:

Pills, sprays, ointments, powders and ear cleaner (which somehow escaped the picture.)  Various things that were prescribed in the 3 vet visits that I’ve been on in the last two weeks.  Not pictured are the shots and tests that they had to have done at the vets office.

And please ignore the giant Arby’s cup in the background.  That plus 30,000 snack size candy bars is mama’s medicine. 

Someone mentioned that the dogs are on more medication than their mother who has ALZHEIMERS! 

From a bacterial infection to an ear infection to an eye infection to a gaping wound to allergies to paw issues.  It’s been a really fun week.  And dogs love getting medication put into their ears, eyes, and on said gaping wounds.  It usually takes about ten to fifteen minutes to chase down Lexi and get the medication in. 

It will all be worth it when these two will finally stop scratching themselves 24-7!

And I’m already assigning medication to different people in my family for Christmas gifts! 

Mom you get the eye ointment.

Dad you can have the antibiotics…

Wow, I’m Bad At This…

I don’t know what my deal is lately.  My brain just hasn’t had the willpower to write.  I’ll get through this trying time.  Thank you for understanding.  Moving on from my last post (you’re welcome for getting THAT mental image out of our heads!) …

Please tell me I’m not alone in the following thought:  I had crushes on the Disney princes when I was a little girl. 

Am I alone in this? 

I mean what is there not to love about them.  They’re charming, PRINCES, and they’re good looking.  (At least as far as cartoon men go)

Let’s take a look shall we?

Oh Prince Charming…I think you were my favorite.  Look at that dark hair and those beautiful eyes. He also was quite a stunning dresser.  And he didn’t settle for just ANY woman.  He searched and searched until he found his true soul mate.  Swoon…

This is Beast after the transformation.  I’m sure he has a name but is it really important?  I mean look at the man cleavage coming out of that shirt.  I appreciate him because he was a harry guy, I feel his pain.  People look at you when you’re different.  He probably could have used some therapy for his anger issues though.  Thank goodness Belle saw through it and didn’t fall for Gaston. 

 

 

I don’t know much about Prince Ali. I only watched Aladdin once.  Although he’s not ugly, he’s almost too young looking for my taste…NEXT!

Snow White’s Prince.  He’s ok.  He seems debonaire and he swept her off her feet.  However, is it just me or does he sort of resemble Chuck Woolery? Or is it David Hasselhoff?  I can’t tell.  That’s kind of a turn-off.  Sorry Prince…

 

Sleeping Beauty’s Prince Phillip.  He woke her up from a deep sleep.  A VERY deep sleep.  With a kiss!  He must be an AMAZING kisser.  Now that I think about it, he’s moving further up my list as I type. 

Finally, there’s Prince Eric.  Look at him.  Dark hair, blue eyes, bright white teeth, and look at that jaw-line!  Wowzers.  Little Mermaid was definitely my favorite movie as a young girl.  And I think it all had to do with him.  Although he does have one fault.  He fell for the first girl with an actual voice that came his way after he met Ariel. And I know he was put under a spell but whatever, love conquers all right?  Oh that Ursula was so evil…sorry I’m getting  off track here. 

Am I the only one who had a crush on a cartoon male (or female I guess)? 

But I love these two the most…even more than Prince Charming. 

I’ve Mastered the Astaire…

Unfortunately I have no pictures to go along with this story…

You know the saying “Inconvenient things happen at inconvenient times”?  No, you don’t?  Well I may have just made it up. 

Why I am sharing this with you I don’t know.  It’s way too much information for you to know about someone you hardly even know. 

When we were in Kansas City visiting my in-laws I got sick.  Not like fun sick where you can lay around and watch tv and just veg, it was the kind of sick that had me running to the bathroom quite often. 

I guess I deserve it.  Not a month earlier I had been making fun of an anonymous friend (I’m sure she would want her identity revealed) for the exact same ailment.  God always has his way of saying IN YOUR FACE when I mock others. 

And as you would expect it was the busiest day of the trip–a football game and a trip to Dave and Busters.  Long car rides and no breaks at home.

I have mastered the dreaded public depositing.  Flush, push, flush, push…shuffle your feet…pull out toilet paper…conveniently cough… It’s a tricky game, but as a woman you can never, EVER be heard. 

Luckily, after five Immodium, probably ten Tums, and a good nights sleep I was back and ready to eat and eat and eat.

Maybe here’s a couple of more pleasant images than the mental image I’ve given you.

Ok, Where Was I…

I ain’t apologizing for nothin’.

I got lazy–end of story!

Now back to the tale at hand…

We went golfing about two weekends ago when we were visiting my in-laws in Kansas City.  Of course, you know me and I use the term “we” EXTREMELY loosely.  I didn’t even drive the cart.  I spent most of the time holding on to the side of the cart trying not to fall out and of course complaining (the thing I do best!)  The big bet was how long it would take for us to get kicked off the course.  I said after the first hole. 

It was really cold. And windy.  Perfect conditions for golf.

And this was my cousin in-law pulling his pants BACK up on the first hole.  He got paid back for being a punk–hello raw nipples! 

I look ridiculous in this picture. Just plain ridiculous.  It’s all a lie too.  I was too wussy to drive the cart.  And I love being a walking contradiction–obviously flip-flops go with sweatshirts.  It all makes perfect sense. 

Here’s my husband who’s pretending to nonchalantly look off into the distance.  He’s under the impression that he could be some sort of model. 

I did see a little bird that I thought was so adorable and all I got was “oh my gosh it’s a little bird that we see everyDAY at home.” I don’t care what he says. It was cute.

It was a nice little jaunt but the weekend did have one sour note (well TWO sour notes but I’ll get to that at a later time).  Since this is MYDogumentary I feel it’s necessary to report on all happenings of all dogs in my family and my extended family.  My husband’s aunt and uncle’s dog Oreo had to be put to sleep while we were there due to a tree branch snapping and falling on him and crushing his pelvis and other significant injuries.  He was the sweetest dog who had a rough life before he was adopted by the in-laws family.  He lived a great life with them  and he will be missed! I don’t have a picture of him so we’ll just leave out dog pictures for the day.  And I’ll leave you with this…

Ew, Ew, and Ew…

Thursday was a gross, gross day.

Dogs, worms, and people all grossed me out.

So, I went to the bathroom at work.  Twice.  There’s actually more to this story I promise.  Each time I was in there, there was someone else in there with me.  And each time they did NOT wash their hands.  I don’t know if I’m prepared to live in a society where people do not wash their hands even in a PUBLIC restroom!  At least humor me and splash a little water on your hands.  Please let me know if you do not wash your hands.  If you don’t I want a two page paper, single-space, Times New Roman as to the reason why you would not wash your hands.  Eesh!

Onto the dogs.  Well, more like dog.  More like Lexi.  My poor little girl.  My husband says, “Ummm WHAT is that?” “What?” “Look at Lexi’s butt…what is that?”  The pup had a bubble, hemroid or some sort of protrusion coming out of her rear end.  It was red.  And about the size of a marble.  Too late to take her to the vet.  Next morning…it was gone!  I figure she just pushed a little too hard in the backyard.  Or it’s something that will eventually cost thousands of dollars to fix. 

Finally to the worm or caterpillar or whatever it was.  The house was smelling a bit doggy so I decided to wash the blankets that we cover the couch with.  As I was throwing them into the washer I look down and there is a (had to be a caterpillar) caterpillar, dead, that had tried to form a cocoon on our blanket. In our house.  An entomologist would have a field day in our house.  Bugs to explore daily. 

I know your sick of hearing about bugs.  I’m sick of talking about them.  Thank goodness that fall and cooler weather is coming.  Bye-Bye mosquitoes…

…Hello Sadie!

Ok, This Makes Me Sound Really Bad…

This story has come up in the past couple of days so I thought I’d share with you some fun memories of how I made my husband fall in love with me.

Awww, so young and in love.

Sarcasm is totally intended.

Just know that this story takes place about two years AFTER Brian and I first starting dating.  He should know better.  I’m just forewarning with that statement.

Brian and Eric (as in Lauren and Eric) were being nice and went to get Lauren and I ice cream from Marble Slab.  I’m sure you all know what Marble Slab is but if you don’t you basically get to choose your mix-in item to whatever ice cream flavor you wanted.  All I wanted was cheesecake ice cream with chocolate chips mixed in a cone. 

Thirty or so minutes later they come back with the ice cream. 

I took one bite.  Definitely not cheesecake with chocolate chips.  It was DEFINITELY plain vanilla with chocolate chips.  I absolutely HATE vanilla with chocolate chips.  I don’t know why, but I do. Brian knows that and knew that!  I refused to eat it.  He had a phone and could have called and asked what I wanted since they were out of cheesecake.  He thought I wouldn’t notice.  I’m pretty sure I’ve come to a point in my life where I can distinguish the difference between vanilla and cheesecake. 

It sat there.  And melted.

Everyone I’ve told that to thinks I’m the bad guy.  What do you think? 

I know what I think, I think I was a brat.

Not To Complain or Anything But…

People are annoying.  And I’m sorry, if I didn’t complain here then my poor husband would have to listen to me.  So, instead you all are my therapy.

I hate driving.  I hate driving in the city that I live because people are selfish and rude.  Oklahoma is known for their polite people and if you come in contact with them face to face they generally are (at least I know I AM polite, right mom?) but when you get behind the wheel of a car you better be prepared to make other people’s lives easier.  People really would like for you to risk your life in order to save them 3 seconds at a light.

Today, I was driving along minding my own business and I was in the left turn lane at a green light.  Not a green left arrow mind you, just a plain old green light.  The light had changed from a yellow arrow to plain green about ten seconds before I even got up to the light so the cars opposite of me were starting to go.  I look in my rear-view mirror to see this lovely older man raising his hands and yelling, “GO! Why didn’t you go?!” My first instinct was to get out of the car and punch him in the face through his window but instead I decided to just smile and wave at him in the mirror.  Thinking back at it I should have put my car in park and just idled there.  Every time I would inch forward he would inch up on my bumper. 

I finally turn left and he goes zooming by me.  His very important destination you ask?

MCDONALDS!

I kid you not.  He was in that big of a hurry to get his Big Mac on. 

Do you know who I was in a hurry to see? 

You got that right…