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Archive for the ‘Hopefully not offending anyone’ Category

Last night after dinner over at Eric and Lauren’s (by the way Lauren made homemade Oreos and Oh-my-gosh…so good) Lauren and I were having a discussion about what we would change about ourselves if plastic surgery didn’t cost anything.  Also, if it didn’t hurt or if it wasn’t, you know, SURGERY. 

And let me just say as an aside, I would never actually do anything to myself and I wouldn’t judge anyone if they did.  I mean never say never, maybe one day I’ll get something done. But as of now I’m not planning to.

I started rattling off the things I would do, “…thin out the bridge of my nose, get my dark under-eye circles filled in, thin my jaw-line out, lipo here-here-and here…” Lauren added her two cents but I won’t share hers because this is MY blog and not hers.  Get your own!

I look over and my husband was looking at me in horror.  Utter and complete horror. Which isn’t always a surprise but usually it’s in response to me doing something humiliating in public.  Dancing in public really brings out that look of shock and horror.

When we got home I said, “What was with that look you gave me when I was talking about doing all those things to myself?”

He said, “Well, it sounded like you wanted to completely change the way you look.”

I said, “All girls are like that. They all want to change SOMETHING about themselves.”

The minute that came out of my mouth I thought, huh, I could be wrong. Maybe there are people out there that are one-hundred percent satisfied with who they are. 

Then I wondered what that would be like. 

Is it wrong to want to change things about yourself? Am I alone in this thought?

If only I could just be a dog and not have to worry about life’s trivial details like plastic surgery…

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Is anyone out there sick of looking at horses?  You’re in luck!  Today you’ll get to see a room that makes any room in your house look like a junk yard.  Even if that room is spotless in your mind.

This is The White Room.  I’m sure the couch and chairs are comfortable but no one really knows because no one really sits in there.  It’s pristine! 

The White Room is in my husband’s grandparent’s house that we stay in while we’re in Nebraska. Not that this is the only room in their house that is spotless. 

Every room in their house is spotless. No dust, dirt, or hair.  ANYWHERE.  It’s crazy.  In a good way.  I only wish I could keep up with my house the way that they do.

His grandma probably did ten to twenty loads of laundry while we were there from Wednesday (late night) until Sunday (early morning). 

When she visited us last year she cleaned off each individual window of our French doors!

Don’t take this as knocking her, it’s something I aim to achieve.  Maybe not quite on her level.  But maybe care enough to do the dishes every once in a while.  Or take out the trash. Or shower. Or actually even remotely care about the clumps of dog hair around the house. 

Sadly, this weekend The White Room will be transformed. Although I’m sure it will still be spotless no matter what color it ends up being.

I do know one thing though, these two would NEVER be allowed in their house, let alone that room!

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Something’s missing.

I think God forgot to give me a biological clock. I have not heard one tick of the clock letting me know I want kids.  In fact, I think the clock is being wound in reverse.  The more time passes, the more I do NOT want kids.

People, I’m almost thirty and I don’t know how to change a diaper.  CLUELESS. 

At church I help my mom out in the nursery and when faced with a baby who needs a diaper change I’m suddenly thrown back to childhood, “MOMMMM, I need help.” The baby is passed off to her and she changes the diaper. 

Given the choice between looking at a book full of cute babies or cute puppies, I choose puppies.  Hands down. 

I get the creeps when a baby has wet hands from it’s own slobber and it gets on me.  I get grossed out when a baby smells like rotten formula or milk.  (No offense to anyone if I’ve held your baby. Or will be holding your baby.)

Everyone always says, “Oh it will be different when it’s your own.” No it won’t be.

Babies are gross. Babies are extremely high maintenance. Babies act like babies! Obviously I’m exaggerating a little bit.  But I’m just too selfish right now to even consider a baby. I love holding babies, for maybe thirty minutes. 

And no offense to anyone who’s ever had a baby or even has the audacity to like them.  That includes you mom.

I’m sure this phase will pass and someday when I’m at home with four babies and no dogs I’ll look back at this post and laugh. 

But, I doubt it. 

Besides, why would I want babies when I already have these two?

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Thursday was a gross, gross day.

Dogs, worms, and people all grossed me out.

So, I went to the bathroom at work.  Twice.  There’s actually more to this story I promise.  Each time I was in there, there was someone else in there with me.  And each time they did NOT wash their hands.  I don’t know if I’m prepared to live in a society where people do not wash their hands even in a PUBLIC restroom!  At least humor me and splash a little water on your hands.  Please let me know if you do not wash your hands.  If you don’t I want a two page paper, single-space, Times New Roman as to the reason why you would not wash your hands.  Eesh!

Onto the dogs.  Well, more like dog.  More like Lexi.  My poor little girl.  My husband says, “Ummm WHAT is that?” “What?” “Look at Lexi’s butt…what is that?”  The pup had a bubble, hemroid or some sort of protrusion coming out of her rear end.  It was red.  And about the size of a marble.  Too late to take her to the vet.  Next morning…it was gone!  I figure she just pushed a little too hard in the backyard.  Or it’s something that will eventually cost thousands of dollars to fix. 

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Finally to the worm or caterpillar or whatever it was.  The house was smelling a bit doggy so I decided to wash the blankets that we cover the couch with.  As I was throwing them into the washer I look down and there is a (had to be a caterpillar) caterpillar, dead, that had tried to form a cocoon on our blanket. In our house.  An entomologist would have a field day in our house.  Bugs to explore daily. 

I know your sick of hearing about bugs.  I’m sick of talking about them.  Thank goodness that fall and cooler weather is coming.  Bye-Bye mosquitoes…

…Hello Sadie!

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So, let’s see…has it been a month since I last wrote?  What has come over me? 

Oh, that’s right–my mind seemed to have stopped the ability to write coherent sentences that made sense and that people would actually want to read.

My life has been so boring snoring lately that it’s not even worth wasting people’s time with!  It hasn’t helped that I’ve been more than overly grumpy that the weather has cracked 100+ the last month and the fact that my fat dog Lexi has allergies that wake me up at 5:00am everyday! (not anymore–thank you Benadryl!!)

I do have one story to share and it’s going to go from sad/gross to random in the matter of seconds…

Last Friday I was driving to work and I saw pretty much the equivalent of this:

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on the road.  (If you can’t tell that’s supposed to represent a dead kitten) Now, I’m not a cat person but still, it’s pretty depressing when you see that driving to work which in and of itself is depressing.  So I go on about my day and as I’m driving home from work at about noon–ok, so I only worked a half day that day–the kitten had flipped sides of the road and was, hmm how do I put this, in a few more pieces than he was when I left him. 

Out of the corner of my eye I notice something.  There’s something over in the tree.  I had to turn around and figure out what it was.  I stare at it for a moment and I figured out what it was—

turkey

Yes, I thought I saw a TURKEY.  But, wait…why would a turkey be in my neighborhood, standing right under a tree right next to a kitten carcass.  So I looked a little closer…

Oh. How. DISGUSTING!

It wasn’t a turkey…

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(not actual one I saw–I was too big of a wuss to get out of my car)

IT WAS A TURKEY VULTURE! 

He was patiently waiting for all of the cars to pass so he could finish his meal.  I think I almost lost my meal at that moment.  Poor little kitty…

You know these are the kinds of stories I’m going to want to cherish and pass down to my kids.  If you want to borrow for a bedtime story be my guest.

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I should have sent my pups after him.  That would have shown him!

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Do you ever have one of those moments in a friendship that you for sure know everything there is to know about your friend?  Then they drop a bombshell that totally catches you off guard?  That happened the other night!

I have this friend (we’ll leave names out because it’s really not important) and we were talking and somehow tampons got brought up (if you’re a man you might as well stop reading for your own good).  And out of no where she hit me with the shocking news that she didn’t flush the tampon, not the applicator, the tampon.  I was shocked but she was actually more shocked that I DID flush it! 

Am I crazy?  Am I the only one that flushes them?  When I used to use carboard applicators I flushed those too! 

I mean we had to make a decision right then and there that we were going to continue to be friend regardless of tampon differences. 

Let’s roll that beautiful bean footage…

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Yes, I realize these are pictures from the snow day-but I haven’t had a chance to take new pics!

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This is how I know I’m old.  I used to enjoy a good concert–I wouldn’t so much care who was playing–I would just HAVE to go.  Now a days I usually live in a world of regret after I buy concert tickets and dread going to the concert.  When did I become a senior citizen?!  I don’t think it’s the loud noise of the music–I think it’s just the people that surround me at these concerts. 

Last night the hubby and I went to the Coldplay concert in Oklahoma City.  The concert itself was AWESOME–Coldplay always puts on the best show.  Always.  However, I think we sat in the most annoying section ever created in the history of section creation.  (Yeah, I don’t understand that last sentence either.)

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Let’s break it down:

We had the “sad guy who was there by himself” guy.  I kind of eavesdropped (yay!) and was listening to him say that whoever he was supposed to go with couldn’t come so he sold his ticket to someone outside.  I’m assuming it was a girl he was supposed to come with the way he was downing beer all night.  He also had the saddest dance moves that could rival Elaine from Seinfeld’s little dance number…

Then there’s the “guy who thought he was at a rave” guy.  This guy bought the lonely guy’s ticket.  It was like destiny that they found each other because they talked and hit it off.  They even exchanged email addresses.  Twenty bucks says this morning they’re both looking at that email address saying, “who the heck is that?!” Anyways, I’m not sure if this guy was on drugs but the way he danced made me think he was on something–or maybe just high on life. This guy also blatently disregarded the “no smoking” ban in there and lit up and lit up and lit up and lit up…That made lonely guy happy and my next person very happy…

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There’s the “I’m desperate for male attention even though I have a boyfriend/husband” girl.  This girl was obnoxious and shared cigarettes with the two guys (lonely and rave).  This is a phenomenon I don’t get–and if you do it PLEASE explain it to me.  How can you share cigarettes with people you don’t know?  That just seems like the dirtiest thing ever!  Well, she was dancing with the lonely guy while her boyfriend had his back turned.  Plus, this really annoyed me–she lit a cigarette when she was sitting RIGHT NEXT TO A PREGNANT LADY!  I couldn’t believe it!  The prego lady had to move thanks to her.  Desperate girl had a friend there that was one row in front of her which brings me to my next and last person…

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Finally there’s the “I’m married and have children but I’m going to take this night and get plastered and make a complete fool out of myself” girl.  This girl was drunk before the concert had even begun.  While we were waiting for Coldplay to come out this girl climbed over her seat into the row behind her and proceeded to sit on two random guys laps and grind on them.  Then she grabbed her boobs and said, “Yeah, look at these nice A-cups…” Her husband was just laughing and laughing and laughing and yelling at her to get down.  She drunkenly got down and kept dancing and when she was sitting she had her legs kicked in the air. 

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It was sort of hard to actually pay attention to the actual concert with everything going on around me!!  I love Coldplay though so I would sit through anything to see them live! 

What has your WORST concert experience been?? 

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Yes, I took the above picture this weekend and YES I do still have my Halloween decorations up!  Judge away…

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THE END!

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