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Archive for the ‘Reasons I’m so screwed up’ Category

For some reason, when I have my contacts out and cannot see a thing all of my senses run amuck.  I don’t seem to hear as well, forget my sense of smell, and food does not have the same taste.  I was always under the impression if you lost one of your senses the rest of your senses would be heightened.  I frightened to know what would happen if I was blind or deaf. 

Last night, I was blabbing on about something and I said the words picture frame. For some reason the word frame made the brown dog hop up and look at me like it was a familiar word to her.  She knows a lot of words, I mean I don’t want to brag, but she is probably the smartest dog on the planet. 

I kept thinking, what word that sounds like frame does she know? Frappuccino? Frank? Frere Jacques?

I asked the hubinator and he said, “Maybe it’s F-L-O…”

And this is where my super senses take over and I suddenly am blind and deaf. 

I said, “Flower? Why would she know the word flower?”

He just looked at me like I’m an idiot (I’m assuming since I couldn’t see anything two inches in front of me) and said, “NO-I said F-L-O-Y-D. Floyd! Where did you get flower?”

While he’s busy making fun of me I’m just wondering how Floyd sounds anything remotely like frame.  Yes, they both start with “f” but that’s about where the similar sounds end.

I don’t think I heard the end of it until we both fell asleep.  I’m sooo sorry Mr. Perfect that I turn into a catatonic person when my contacts are out. 

And no, I never found a word that was even close to the word frame that she could have mistaken it for.  That’s the biggest mystery in all of this I suppose.  Either that or how my perfect husband puts up with someone so imperfect.

Speaking of perfection…

 

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Ok, ok, ok.  I’m not really pregnant.  Obviously. I look too happy to really be pregnant. Also, I hope a couple other parts grow a bit bigger when I have a baby in my belly.  Just to balance things out.  If you know what I mean, and I think ya’ do.  After looking at this picture, I wish the good Lord would have put some of my jaw into my upper lip.  Everytime I smile my upper lip completely disappears! 

ANYWHO…

I’ve really been away enjoying life.  Not spending my nights staring at a computer until bed time.  The last few weeks (or maybe months) (or maybe the last YEAR!) I’ve been feeling a little blue.  Nothing serious, just not happy.  Among other things, I became a little obsessed with caring how many people read my blog, how many people followed me on Twitter, going to the same websites over and over and over expecting some sort new material, etc., etc…Not healthy at all!  And if you know me at all in real life, you know I’ve got a bit of an obsessive personality. Well, ever since deciding to leave my computer off and ENJOY life again I’ve felt wonderful.  Best decision ever!

It helps having a husband who is understanding and patient and puts up with me and loves me more than I deserve.  And also buys me beautiful yellow roses!

Aren’t they lovely?  Before you ask, yes, I do display all flower arrangements on the floor next to the back door.  I think it adds a bit of zen to the household. Ok, maybe not.  Unfortunately, that’s where the best lighting is, so that’s where they pose! I will say, out of all the floor shots that have ever been on the blog, this may be the cleanest my floor has ever been.

I’m ready to bounce back and start blogging again!  And I’m not going to be mopey and downtrodden. Or deep and introspective.  I’m going to be just as mindless and idiotic as I always have been! 

And here’s a little how do ya’ do from the ladies:

Enjoy your day everyone!

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Last night after dinner over at Eric and Lauren’s (by the way Lauren made homemade Oreos and Oh-my-gosh…so good) Lauren and I were having a discussion about what we would change about ourselves if plastic surgery didn’t cost anything.  Also, if it didn’t hurt or if it wasn’t, you know, SURGERY. 

And let me just say as an aside, I would never actually do anything to myself and I wouldn’t judge anyone if they did.  I mean never say never, maybe one day I’ll get something done. But as of now I’m not planning to.

I started rattling off the things I would do, “…thin out the bridge of my nose, get my dark under-eye circles filled in, thin my jaw-line out, lipo here-here-and here…” Lauren added her two cents but I won’t share hers because this is MY blog and not hers.  Get your own!

I look over and my husband was looking at me in horror.  Utter and complete horror. Which isn’t always a surprise but usually it’s in response to me doing something humiliating in public.  Dancing in public really brings out that look of shock and horror.

When we got home I said, “What was with that look you gave me when I was talking about doing all those things to myself?”

He said, “Well, it sounded like you wanted to completely change the way you look.”

I said, “All girls are like that. They all want to change SOMETHING about themselves.”

The minute that came out of my mouth I thought, huh, I could be wrong. Maybe there are people out there that are one-hundred percent satisfied with who they are. 

Then I wondered what that would be like. 

Is it wrong to want to change things about yourself? Am I alone in this thought?

If only I could just be a dog and not have to worry about life’s trivial details like plastic surgery…

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I don’t know what my deal is lately.  My brain just hasn’t had the willpower to write.  I’ll get through this trying time.  Thank you for understanding.  Moving on from my last post (you’re welcome for getting THAT mental image out of our heads!) …

Please tell me I’m not alone in the following thought:  I had crushes on the Disney princes when I was a little girl. 

Am I alone in this? 

I mean what is there not to love about them.  They’re charming, PRINCES, and they’re good looking.  (At least as far as cartoon men go)

Let’s take a look shall we?

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Oh Prince Charming…I think you were my favorite.  Look at that dark hair and those beautiful eyes. He also was quite a stunning dresser.  And he didn’t settle for just ANY woman.  He searched and searched until he found his true soul mate.  Swoon…

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This is Beast after the transformation.  I’m sure he has a name but is it really important?  I mean look at the man cleavage coming out of that shirt.  I appreciate him because he was a harry guy, I feel his pain.  People look at you when you’re different.  He probably could have used some therapy for his anger issues though.  Thank goodness Belle saw through it and didn’t fall for Gaston. 

 

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I don’t know much about Prince Ali. I only watched Aladdin once.  Although he’s not ugly, he’s almost too young looking for my taste…NEXT!

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Snow White’s Prince.  He’s ok.  He seems debonaire and he swept her off her feet.  However, is it just me or does he sort of resemble Chuck Woolery? Or is it David Hasselhoff?  I can’t tell.  That’s kind of a turn-off.  Sorry Prince…

 

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Sleeping Beauty’s Prince Phillip.  He woke her up from a deep sleep.  A VERY deep sleep.  With a kiss!  He must be an AMAZING kisser.  Now that I think about it, he’s moving further up my list as I type. 

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Finally, there’s Prince Eric.  Look at him.  Dark hair, blue eyes, bright white teeth, and look at that jaw-line!  Wowzers.  Little Mermaid was definitely my favorite movie as a young girl.  And I think it all had to do with him.  Although he does have one fault.  He fell for the first girl with an actual voice that came his way after he met Ariel. And I know he was put under a spell but whatever, love conquers all right?  Oh that Ursula was so evil…sorry I’m getting  off track here. 

Am I the only one who had a crush on a cartoon male (or female I guess)? 

But I love these two the most…even more than Prince Charming. 

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Friends always have a way of kicking you when you’re down.  Isn’t that what friends are for?  Or maybe it’s just MY friends.

As I mentioned on Friday, Lauren and I went and visited Ginny in the great, stuck in the 70’s city of Tulsa, OK! 

She dragged (it goes against every fiber of my being to not put DRUG) Lauren and I out of bed to watch her do her workout.  She works out doing a thing called CrossFit that you may or may not have heard of and that you may or may not care about.  Ginny is a beast.  She will put any girl, guy, dog or cat to shame with her determination.  She’s a little bit crazy and she’s the first one to admit it. 

I went ahead and dressed the part and at least LOOKED like I was going to work out.  I, of course, did not workout and neither did Lauren.  It looked really hard and I’m lazy and did I mention they were bench pressing A HUNDRED PLUS POUNDS followed IMMEDIATELY by PULL UPS.  Yeah those words aren’t in my vocabulary. 

Instead Lauren and I talked about how lazy we were and probably something about food.  But then these really kind, sweet, thoughtful words came out of Lauren’s mouth, “I bet all of these people think that WE’RE Ginny’s FAT friends.” I just looked and said, “Excuse me?  WE’RE GINNY’S FAT FRIENDS?” She back-peddled and tried to get out of it but not ten minutes later did virtually the SAME words come out of her mouth.  I don’t consider her or I fat by any means.  Thanks friend, thanks.

And thanks Ginny, for making me feel more out of shape and unhealthy than I’ve ever felt in my life.  I’ll use it as motivation to beat you at something.

Oh and before I forget to mention it, the owner/trainer of the gym took off his shirt and I might have forgotten I was married for a few seconds. 

This was my cuddle buddy for the weekend, Bailey.  She’s Ginny’s dog and she makes my dogs look like heathens.

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Ok, they’re pretty cute too!

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I’m confessing I don’t know how to spell nubby (or gnubby or knubby or bnubby or jnubby) I just don’t know.  I barely knew how to spell werewolf.  I left out the e. 

In 6th grade I came in third place in a spelling bee behind two 8th graders.  The word I got out on? Vulture. It’s a tough word, although for the life of me I can not think of how I could possibly misspell that word.  I’m sure it was just nerves.

And it really has nothing to do with what I want to say.

Last night my friend Lauren and I were talking about things we were made fun of for both recently and in the past.  Considering I had two older brothers who were relentless in making fun of me and a couple of recessive genes passed on to me (thanks mom and dad!) I was teased unmercifully.  At least now that I’m older people don’t do it to my face, but we all know how it goes when you’re a kid.  Kids have no filters. None. Zip.  They let you know what’s wrong with you.

From about the time I was in kindergarten up until probably junior or senior year of high school I was made fun of for having hairy arms.  Now there’s hairy arms and there’s what I had–HAIRY ARMS.  Obviously my brothers made fun of me for it but they eventually grew tired of it and found more creative ways to get me.  They moved on to making fun of my nubby toes. (Seriously I don’t think I have a joint in my toes they’re so small)  But not kids at school.  It would be werewolf or gorilla or “why are her arms so hairy?” It hurt.  It hurt everytime I would hear someone whisper something about it. 

But you know what? I’m a grown-up now.  I’ve learned that a Venus razor is my best friend.  And everyone from the past can suck it.

Speaking of hairy women…

I’m not sure what Sadie said to Lexi–but whatever it was, was not kind.

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RETALIATION!

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Anything you all were made fun of for that you care to share? Just to make me feel better about myself obviously!

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This definitely does not garner it’s own post but I’m doing it anyways.  Because I’m bored and boring and food is always on my mind. 

I made a mistake.  I make this mistake pretty much everytime I go to buy candy for work.  I buy stuff that I like and then I inevitably eat the whole package. 

I bought a 400 Midgee (I feel a little politically incorrect calling them midgees) pack of Tootsie Rolls.  I have somehow managed to eat about 300 hundred of them on my own.  If you looked in my trash right now it would be a Tootsie Roll graveyard. A mass burial would be a better term for it.  I haven’t felt any ill effects (or is it affects I hate English sometimes) from it. 

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I’m just going to throw this out there…it’s probably helping my digestion more than hurting it.  If you think about Tootsie Rolls they actually resemble–well, nevermind.   According to the package you can eat 12, YES TWELVE, for only 3 grams of fat and 130 (empty) calories! 

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And if anyone has any advice on how to make Lexi (below) look LESS fake black and shiny in Photoshop Elements I would love that.  Thanks…

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I don’t even know where to begin with this.

It all started Sunday morning while reading the paper. (Shocking huh?! Me reading the paper? I only get it for the Target ad–let’s be real)

An advertisement made me laugh really, really hard.

I know it had to be used in some way.

So, we started a game.

It all started innocently in the refrigerator…

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(Please ignore the fact that it’s sitting on top of left over gravy and Sunkist is sitting right next to it–I was forgiven for my sins.)

The treadmill was next–which that’s the most action the treadmill has seen in weeks!

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Then I couldn’t find it anywhere so I went to let the dogs out and lo and behold–BAM!

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I have to say, he’s a little dead in the eye–Tyra could teach him a thing or two about “smiling with your eyes…”

This was the best placement–and I have to give credit where credit is due–it was my husband.

I drive home from work, go to pull in the garage only to be greeted by:

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He is kind of cute though…

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But not as cute as them!!

And yes, this post was very obviously brought to you by Geico, ok, not really…

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This post will be full of pictures that you all probably don’t care about. I’m doing it for my own enjoyment and so when my dogs grow up they can look back at this post and remember what pesky dogs they were.  Oh dogs can’t read? Or recognize their own pictures? Hmmm…I don’t believe you!

I probably tried for 30 minutes with the husband to get the dogs to sit in front of the Christmas tree for five seconds so I could take a picture.  Did that happen?  Of course not–we all knew the answer to that! Here are the out takes:

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Already starting off great considering one of the “dogs” happens to be my husband.

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Mom had to get involved and as you see it’s going great…I love how I’m pointing to under the tree like the dogs have any idea as to what’s going on.

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Bribing with cheese popcorn…I mean I would pretty much do ANYTHING for cheese popcorn.

This is about as close as it got to BOTH being somewhat close to under the tree.

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I decided to try a different take on things.

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APPARENTLY the dogs have a problem with wreaths around their necks…

So I tried one last thing…

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A simple snowman prop.  A little tempting for both of them. 

Out of about fifty pictures I got three decent (and I use the term decent very loosely) pictures:

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This is Sadie’s best–sad I know.

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Lexi’s best–which is actually sort of comical.

And the winner for best group shot?

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Lexi looks confused, Sadie is SUPER happy (look at that toothy grin!) and Frosty down there is cautiously optimistic…

ARE KIDS REALLY EASIER THAN DOGS?!  I could believe it after this fiasco!

 

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Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone for the camera advice yesterday!  I decided to just stop being a wuss and just play around with it.  Like someone in the comments said–it’s not going to bite me!  So I’m working on it!

You know, eating is such a fun thing for me.  I love to eat. I love to eat A LOT.  We went out to celebrate Moustached Lauren’s birthday last night.  I ate so much.  I had the biggest chicken fried steak ever.  I didn’t take a picture (can I even call myself a true blogger when I didn’t take a picture??!) But lets just say there wasn’t much of the plate showing.  Well, being the dainty young lady I am, I downed the whole thing before anyone had come close to finishing their meal.  Before I’d finished Eric, Lauren’s husband, said “You will NEVER finish that.” To which Moust. Lauren and my sweet husband said, “You obviously don’t know her…she’ll have it done in no time…” And I did!  As I was downing this delicious, golden-fried goodness we were talking about getting in shape to go to the beach in the spring. Lauren and I could not stop laughing at the thought of my hubby mistakenly going into Curves wanting to start working out…

…Ok, just so you know I spent the last hour trying to fit my husband’s head on some lady who was wearing a Curves shirt. Not his actual head-a picture of his head on the picture of a lady…

But I digress, I also did my husband proud by eating the largest piece of cake out of all four of us. And as I am typing this I am actually HUNGRY!  Thanks dad for giving me a bottomless pit for a stomach!

What’s one thing you can ALWAYS pig out on??

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And you know there’s really nothing more fun than watching husbands play Wii on your birthday…

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I especially like this picture because it looks like they’re both taking a whizz.

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Blowing the candles on the cake that she actually had to MAKE HERSELF.  Does that sound familiar to any women?? 

Sadie was in an interesting mood last night.  It seems that she was highly offended at the placement of a plate by the fireplace. 

(Just bear with all the pictures…)

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sadiebarkingAnd that’s when dad sneezed and that sent Sadie running which ruined the series of pictures…

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And maybe my favorite expression ever from Lexi:

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